Cheese and Bear Facts
by alikat522
Summary: The men of MJN debate the merits of flirting with heart-shaped cheeses.


"Um, chaps, I was wondering if maybe it would be at all possible to at this time, just for this once…let me have one of the good cheeses."

The pilots turned in their seats to look at Arthur. Arthur tried to meet their gazes, but ended up looking at his shoes instead. He really needed new laces, these ones were getting way too rubbed down, but he hated how new laces always seemed to be too long and too smooth, like he needed some pre-worn-down-but-not-too-much laces, and he wondered if anyone actually sold those.

"Arthur, getting the good cheese is one of the very few perks of a being a pilot on this aircraft. Why would we possibly let you have it?"

"Well, it's just that one of the passengers-"

Douglas and Martin both groaned.

"You cannot let them bully you, Arthur. Passengers get the normal meals, pilots get the good cheeses, and stewards get the rest of the cheeses. End of story."

"No no no, she didn't bully me for it! She doesn't even know about the cheese. I just, um, want to give her one, and to make sure it's one of the good ones."

The flight deck was silent for a moment, before Douglas tried to work as much inflection as possible into a single word.

"_She_?"

"Oh, well, yeah, she."

"You are trying to flirt with a passenger on this aircraft…with cheese?"

"Right, but only one of the good ones. I don't think girls like squidgy cheeses."

Martin rubbed his eyes and tried to put on his best reasonable voice. One had to go about explaining things to Arthur with care; no one wanted a repeat of the Tallahassee incident.

"Arthur, I really do not think it would be appropriate for you to start giving random female passengers gifts."

"Oh, she's not random! We've been talking for hours now!"

"You've been managing to hold a conversation for hours? You? And this isn't one of those things where she tries to walk away and you follow her and keep talking, is it?"

"No, she was going to the loo, and she saw me re-reading my book of bear facts! And she said it looked really interesting, and I asked her if she knew that a female bear was a sow. And she did know that, and she knew that a male bear was called a boar, and she thought that was funny, because they have nothing to do with pigs!"

"Pure poetry, this. Bards will sing ballads of your romance for ages."

"And she knows all this stuff because she works at a zoo! She gets to see bears all the time!"

"…Arthur, are you trying to flirt with a veterinarian? Because I do not imagine a woman with a doctorate would really appreciate your particular style of…existing."

"No, she sells cotton candy! It's brilliant, she even smells like cotton candy! She didn't have work today, not at all this week, but she misses the smell when she's away, so she has this special perfume that makes her smell just like it!"

"And just to be clear, the female in question is over the age of twelve, correct?"

"She just turned twenty seven. Her whole family is heading out to Dibley for a reunion; her cousin just had another baby."

"Wait, is this that young woman who asked if she was going to need a helmet for the flight?"

"Now Martin, I don't think you can blame a passenger for asking that; they do have to see Gertie on their way in."

"No, Douglas, you didn't see her, she had about a dozen glitter-filled braids in her hair. She was shedding everywhere; the cabin is going to be sparkly for a month."

"Fifteen braids! I told her I liked them, because it looked like she had twinkly tentacles coming out of her head, and she said that was what she was going for!"

"…My good man, you may have found your soul mate."

"I know, isn't it absolutely brilliant! Which is why I need one of the good cheeses."

"To give to her?"

"Yeah, I have to serve the meal in…uh, half an hour ago, and I want to put one on her plate. And could I please get one of the harder ones? I want to cut it into a little heart first, and the squidgy ones will just get all smooshed up."

"Well, who are we to stand in the way of true love? Arthur, you may take your pick of the cheeses and convey them to your lovely be-tentacled maiden."

"That's absolutely brilliant, thanks!"

Arthur filled a little paper plate with a handful of cheeses; it was going to take a lot of attempts to get the heart right.

"Do you guys want the bits that I cut off? There's gonna be a lot extra."

"As kind as that is, I do not believe we need your cheese scraps."

"Wow, thanks!"

And with that, he practically skipped off back to the cabin, cheese in hand. Douglas just shook his head and smiled at the thought of such precious idiots in love. Martin, however, had his brow furrowed as he glared at the controls.

"Something on your mind, Martin? Not upset about losing the cheese, are you? It is captain's cheese, after all."

"No no, it's not that, he can do what he likes with it. It's just…does stuff like that really work?"

"Stuff like what?"

"Little homey cutesy stuff like that. You give brown sauce for anniversaries; he's off flirting with cheese. Isn't there any appreciation for the classics, flowers and chocolates and things like that? Or have I just been going about dating entirely wrong all this time, and no one ever thought to tell me?"

"Well, you probably have been wrong, but it has nothing to do with flowers and chocolates, it's just you being you."

"Thanks."

"Different situations call for different sorts of gifts. Tell me, would you honestly want to date a woman who is won over by flight attendants offering heart-shaped cheese?"

"…Good point."

"Yes, this one sounds right up Arthur's alley. Of course, if they do hit it off, you know what that means."

"What?"

"Prepare to be dusting glitter out of your hair for the foreseeable future. Glitter is the lice of the crafting world, and Arthur may be heading for an infestation."

"Better than the time he actually had lice."

"No, those were fleas. And considering this woman works in a zoo, we may be seeing more of those as well."

"The romance of young love."

"Ah, but isn't it grand?"


End file.
